Building Resilience through Self Compassion
If we want to feel less stressed in our day-to-day lives, one way is to build up our self compassion. If you’re wondering what self-compassion is, think of it as kindness towards the self.
Our Stress Response
How is stress related to self compassion? Our bodies tend to respond to internal threats, like self criticism, self judgment and self blame, the same way we respond to external threats; with our stress response kicking in, going into fight, flight or freeze/fawn mode. This is when we might feel strong emotions like anxiety, fear, or anger. We might feel our heart start to race faster, we might sweat more, become tense as adrenaline and cortisol begin to flood the body. If you’re experiencing a stressful day at work, or you’re in the middle of an interpersonal conflict, or you receive really difficult news, your stress response might kick in.
Take a moment to reflect on what happens for you in the body, when your stress response kicks in.
Now consider what might happen if we're constantly hard on ourselves, bullying ourselves, judging, blaming or shaming ourselves. Our brains perceive these actions, thoughts and associated feelings as threats, so our stress response kicks in again. In addition, it’s worth noting that our nervous systems tend to overestimate threat and overrule positive thinking (Welford, 2013). In other words, we as humans have a very strong negativity bias.
Self Compassion as an antidote to Stress
Self Compassion shows us another way to respond to ourselves when we make a mistake, experience a difficult situation or distressing emotion. It asks us to respond to ourselves with care and kindness, rather than criticism, judgment and blame. It asks us to counter our inner critic with a compassionate coach that has a different kind of self-talk vocabulary.
Self Compassion asks us to respond to ourselves like we would respond to a friend, a loved one, or even how a parent might respond to their child. Kristen Kneff (2015) says “When we tend to ourselves with care, we change our brain chemistry. Rather than feeling worried, anxious and stress, we feel calm, content, secure and trusting”. Research has shown that self compassion is a protective factor against anxiety and depression, and ends up promoting the parts in the brain that are associated with problem solving and decision masking.
Skills for Building a practice of Self Compassion
Building a practice of self compassion takes time, and there are some key skills and exercises we can undertake to help get us there.
Here are just a few…
Practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing something without judgment. It involves becoming aware of, and describing your experience in the moment. So begin to notice how you speak to yourself when things are hard- without judgment.
Getting to know our inner critic.Your inner critic is the voice in our head that comes down hard on ourselves when we make a mistake, or judges ourselves harshly (eg. “Why can’t I be a better parent?” “I did terribly in that presentation.”). Or shames us when we feel difficult emotions (“I shouldn’t feel angry right now.” “I can’t believe I’m crying about this.”) Take time to get this know this inner critic, without judgment, just noticing their tone of voice, the things that they often say.
Strengthening our “Compassionate Coach.” Just like our inner critic, we all have an inner compassionate coach that is rooting for us and knows our strengths and what we need. Think about a time when you felt compassion/kindness for someone else. Notice what it felt like in your body to feel kindness for this person, and what it made you want to do or say. Now consider what this compassionate part of you, this “compassionate coach,” might want to say to you one day. Perhaps they might ask: “Is this criterical type of thinking helpful for me right now?” “Would I say these judgmental words to a friend?” Or “if the person I loved the most in the world was experiencing what I’m experiencing right now, what would I say to them?”
Providing Care and Kindness to ourselves. Self compassion asks us to turn to ourselves with kindness and ask questions like: “What do I need more of right now?; How can I provide care for myself right now?” Perhaps you develop some self talk mantras in the voice of your compassionate coach that work for you! Perhaps you take time to engage in activities regularly that soothe your nervous system and promote the feel good chemicals like oxytocin. This could be giving yourself a long hug, bringing one hand to your heart and one hand to your belly and telling yourself “you’ve got this.” Or maybe it's developing a practice of slow yoga, meditation and breathwork. Whatever it is, know that there are so many resources out there to support you in caring for yourself in a soft and soothing way.
For now, maybe take a moment to ask yourself “what’s one thing I need right now”, and give yourself permission to take care of you.
Sehr Athar, MSW/RSW
Mind-Body Counselling Therapy + Yoga
References (and book recommendations!):
(2015) Self- Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Kristen Kneff
(2013) The Power of Self Compassion Using Compassion Focused Therapy to End Self Criticism & Build Self Confidence. Mary Welford
Deeper Dives
If you want to learn more or go deeper, here are some resources that might help you!
Schedule Wellness Week [03] for your workplace featuring Sehr on Embodying Self Compassion.
4 Week Group on Building Resilience through Self-Compassion at the Slow Medicine Company on Mondays 5:15pm- 6:30pm. May be covered by insurance plans that provide coverage for Registered Social Workers. Email hello@slowmedicinecompany.com to learn more about the next start date.
Mind-Body + Talk Therapy with Sehr. Clinic hours Thursdays 3pm-8pm. Sehr works with adults across the lifespan who may be experiencing stress, anxiety, grief, loss due to life transitions. She holds non-judgmental and compassionate space and works alongside individuals to find solutions, develop coping strategies and build on skills and wisdom that people feel more emotionally resilient to life’s challenges. To book a consultation with Sehr, click here.
Slow Yoga, Sound Healing, Reiki + Restorative Yoga Classes at Slow Medicine Medicine Company to soothe your nervous system and provide moments of self care. https://www.slowmedicinecompany.com/services/classes
